


Alone

by galravibes



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: BokuAka Week, Fluff and Angst, Loneliness, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 06:05:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6599752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galravibes/pseuds/galravibes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We have to tear down the walls that live in your heart<br/>To find someone you call home<br/>Now you see me for me and my beautiful scars<br/>So take my hand, don’t let go</p><p>- Broken Arrows, Avicii</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to those who gave kudos and commented. You can't even realise how much it means to me.
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Bokuto’s days were starting to get monotonous at a certain moment of his life. Waking up early in the morning, going to school, sleeping in class (not on purpose), going to volleyball practice and finally arriving home. End of the day. He followed this schedule diary, with no exceptions.

This wouldn’t have happened before. This wouldn’t have ever happened if he hadn’t stopped being his true self.

He would describe himself as an extremely happy person, always excited for everything. He would smile even for the slightest things. But even though he was always happy, he was also always alone. So, so alone. And loneliness is one of the most miserable feelings. It started on the outside, but it grew from the bottom of your heart, little by little surrounding your bloodstream. It ended up growing roots that strangled your whole body from the inside, making you lose every bit of air, making you unable to breath properly until your soul couldn’t handle it anymore and decided to abandon you, leaving you as dead as someone whose heart beats can be.

He was alone just for the fact that nobody could be with him for more than 5 minute without being annoyed. And not even Bokuto knew why. He didn’t know what was so horrible about him, what was so horrible about being positive, what was wrong about being _happy._ But we lived in a mad world in which being happy made you an object of jealousy, in which smiling was punished with judging glances, in which excitement had the side effect of isolation.

He’s always lacked friendships. He hadn’t had a single friend since he was like 5 years old. And, of course, he couldn’t even imagine himself having a romantic relationship. Who would go out with him, if no one even tried to talk to him? Who would give him an opportunity? Maybe someone could put their eye on him, but as soon as they realized his energetic and child-like personality, they would move off. The people that had gone through his life leaved without an explanation. Not that he needed one. He knew why and he hated it. It made him despise himself so much that he had wanted to go to sleep to never wake up again. Because sometimes you didn’t want to give up on life and surrender to death, but just let yourself fly to a world far away from reality.

And so he decided to wear a permanent mask with which he would be just like everybody else. No more shouting, or laughing, or even expressing his true emotions. A mask to hide who he was. A mask to drive away his loneliness.

The first year of high school went without problem and with more interaction than expected. Long days and even longer nights. Time passed really slowly when you didn’t have any expectations of something thrilling waiting ahead. However, he for the first time had friends. Well, not friends, but classmates and teammates whom he talked with. It was something. It made him realize that maybe, just maybe, the day in which he was no longer alone was closer, making him able to even visualize his fingertips nearly touching that possibility.

Nevertheless, the end of the first year came, leaving that possibility further away than it was, making it impossible to get a sight from it.

At least vacations were that time of the year in which he felt more happy and comfortable because with his family there was no point in hiding. They knew him and they loved him anyway. They even liked him just as he was _. What a pleasurable feeling_ , he thought, to be loved for who you are, _to be loved without any mask_.

Seasons changed and April came with the second year of high school, with renovated hopes. Bokuto woke up that morning feeling really nervous. But he took a deep breath and put on his indispensable mask, which was starting to change Bokuto. Because when you pretended to be someone else and you kept lying to yourself, you could end up believing in your own lie and forgetting who you really were.

He walked to school and greeted some classmates and teachers in the opening ceremony. He went to class and talked like the rest of the students, trying to be average but not so much that he was invisible. It required a lot of effort, but it was going to be worth it. That was the first day of all the first days that he actually had people to share with his holiday’s stories. It was the first time that he actually _tried_ to. And even though nothing much different from his previous years had happened, he hold on tight to his hopes.

When school finished, he directed his steps to the gym. He had missed volleyball. He’d been playing that sport for as long as he could remember and he loved it with all his heart. He put all his strength and passion every single time the ball touched his hand. It was like it belonged there. It was like he was born to play that sport. And he really liked that he didn’t have to hold back his energy when they won in a practice match or a real one. He really, _truly_ loved that.

“Hey, Bokuto, how had you been?” said a voice. Bokuto looked up from his shoe laces and saw Sarukui.

“Pretty well, actually.” he smiled, and he shared some adventures without giving much detail.

“And are you curious about new members coming?”

“I’m actually pretty excited! Let’s see how things go this year.”

And he wasn’t just curious but overexcited. New members meant new people and new people meant possibilities. It was always about the possibilities. He thought about it so much that he was starting to think of himself as selfish. But was it really selfishness if the only thing you wanted was a friend?

Suddenly the door opened and a black haired guy with blue eyes entered. He was slightly smaller than Bokuto, but he had such a serious face and such a fierce look that no one would ever guess he was a year younger than the rest of them. _He’s really pretty_.

 _Shut up_ , he said to himself, _your gay is definitely showing_ , he reminded to his unconscious thoughts.

“Excuse me, I would like to enter the volleyball club.” the stranger asked politely.

“For sure, I leave you here with Bokuto to explain everything to you while I look for the captain.” answered Washio, another teammate. And when he left the gym and Sarukui went outside to bring the material, Bokuto started to panic.

 _Okay, calm down_. But how couldn’t he be nervous! He knew this could happen. After all, he could become the new captain at the end of this year. He had all the skills and he was, to be honest, the best player in their team. However, he had to face the situation, a situation in which he had to start a conversation, a situation in which he had to do his best not to show all the fear and distrust he was feeling inside.

“Bokuto-san?” asked the newbie with actually preoccupied eyes. _Shit, I’ve been quiet for too long_.

“Yes, hi, hello!” Bokuto shouted, and he soon regretted opening his mouth. _He’s so serious, and so pretty, and I’m so fucking dumb. Please, someone save me_.

But against all odds, he smiled lightly, just a little movement from the corner of his mouth.

_Oh my God, I’m going to die, my bowels are going to explode._

“I have the feeling that I’m making you feel uneasy, but I don’t know exactly why, so I’ll just start presenting myself. I’m Akaashi Keiji. Nice to meet you, Bokuto-san.”

He was so calm; he was the most peaceful person Bokuto had ever met. And what surprised him the most was that he didn’t seem to be bothered by Bokuto’s random change of moods. He had to apologize and start all over again. He couldn’t mess up everything so soon.

“I’m so sorry, I swear I’m not like this all the time,“ _not on the outside at least_ , “I’m just really nervous because whenever I meet new people I feel a little bit anxious,” _don’t tell too much or you’ll fuck everything up once again_ “but it’s just that I’m really excited when someone new arrives and…”

“Don’t worry, I wasn’t actually annoyed” he put it simply, as if it was something… well, simple.

“But I talk too much.” Bokuto couldn’t help but have his eyes wide open and honest words came out of his mouth as if they’ve been waiting there for too long.

“Last time I checked it, people reacted in different ways depending on their personality when facing their nervousness: they could not speak at all or have an entire conversation on their own. It’s not weird at all, Bokuto-san.”

_Holy crap._

Was he serious? Was he seriously accepting that part of him, a part that he’s been trying to hide his whole life, after just like 5 minutes of meeting him for the first time?

Who the hell was this guy?

But he was left with that question because the captain arrived and Akaashi had to go to sign some paperwork for the club. He said goodbye to the handsome blue eyed boy and started his daily practice.

It was something strange. He loved practicing, because he loved volleyball and he loved being good at it, and he loved even more to keep getting better and better as time went on.

But ironically, that was also when he usually felt more alone. No one had ever been able to keep up with him, and even if they could, they didn’t want to. So he just kept practicing on his own, and he overworked his body so much than once he even had to go the hospital.

After that experience, he decided to be a little more careful, because he didn’t want to worry his family. But he kept on being until late in the afternoon throwing balls over the net. And when he couldn’t even get up from his knees, that’s when he looked up and wished there had been someone to tell him to stop and go home. He would have refused, of course, but he would have known there was someone there worrying about him, whoever it may be. We all needed someone to take care of us.

Trying to focus as much as possible on the ball and less on his brief conversation with Akaashi was easier said than done, so he decided to go home at the same time as the rest of his teammates.

_Why I have the feeling that something has changed?_

_Why I have the feeling that you will make things different?_

_Akaashi Keiji._

 

***

 

Sometimes, something extraordinary happened in your life, but it went unnoticed at first. It could be anything, and you wouldn’t even imagine what. But you had this feeling, this unmistakable feeling that everything was going to be different from that exact second. And as time goes on, you realize that, even if you don’t know why, things are, in fact, different. And you wonder when was the moment in which changes started and your life began to be worth living. And sometimes it was not a moment, but a person the one who stumbled into your life to give color to it. As if your entire existence was a dark passage and suddenly you found a match that could light the whole place with just a spark.

And that person was Akaashi.

That person whom he was in love with.

It had been 3 months since they met, and since the second day of school, they’ve been together almost every day. Akaashi was actually the setter Bokuto had been waiting for so long, and he could keep up with him every single time. He may have complained a lot, but Akaashi kept Bokuto’s company until they had to go home.

He kept Bokuto’s company.

That simply was amazing.

_He wasn’t alone._

And not just that. The mask that Bokuto created from the broken pieces of his heart and the tears that once streamed down his face, started to fade away with the arrival of Akaashi. He soon started to be his true self. He began talking loudly to him. He screamed at the top of his lungs whenever he referred to him in a volleyball match. He laughed out loud at horrible puns he saw on the internet when having lunch at the cafeteria, and Akaashi just rolled his eyes, but he didn’t complain even once. Everyone stared at him as if he was completely nuts, yet Akaashi didn’t separate from him.

_He didn’t abandon him._

He looked as if he actually enjoyed being around Bokuto.

He could have made friends with people from his year, but he decided to be with Bokuto in his free time, even knowing how he truly was, even with all the hyperactivity that Bokuto irradiated.

Bokuto had a friend for the first time. And Bokuto fell in love for the first time too. And he liked it, but he also hated it.

He wanted to confess as soon as he realized that he looked at Akaashi in ways that a friend would never look. As soon as he realized that when he was close to him, he wanted to hold his hand. As soon as he realized that, whenever they were talking face to face, he seemed to have the impulse of leaning closer to kiss him.

_He so wanted to kiss him._

And one of their free afternoons, he decided he was going to tell his feelings to Akaashi. He couldn’t think of him as his friend anymore. He couldn’t help but see him as something else. And even though confessing might have meant the end of his only friendship, he needed to do it, or else he would have regretted it all his life. Bravery didn’t come from turning your tail and running away. Bravery came when you stopped being a coward and working hard to achieve something you’re uncertain of.

 

***

 

“Bokuto-san, what are you doing here?” Akaashi was the one who opened the door, and Bokuto was grateful about it.

“Is there anyone else apart from you?” Bokuto sounded creepy in his mind, but in that moment, he couldn’t care less.

“No, I’m alone. What’s wrong?”

“I really need to talk to you, like, right now.”

“Okay, hold on.” Akaashi let Bokuto enter his house and they climbed up the stairs to Akaashi’s room.

“So, what’s the matter? Has anything happened?” he seemed truly worried, and that melted Bokuto to his core. It had been like this for the last 3 months. His heart escaping a beat every time Akaashi showed any kind of emotion towards him. But he was so expressionless when he wanted that he could have never guessed if there was actually any reciprocity in what Bokuto was feeling.

“No, don’t worry, everything is fine, but there’s something I’ve meant to tell you for a really long time, so, if you could not say anything, until I finish, I’d be so so grateful.”

“Sure…” Akaashi was looking weird, but Bokuto didn’t care. There was not going back.

“So. I’ve told you about my past, right? How I was when I was a kid and how I decided, as soon as I grew up, that I could no longer be like that. I kept who I was to myself and I’ve never made real friends. Not being who I was, neither being the fake me. And I was sad all the time because I really wanted to have friends and be just like everybody else, you know? I kept asking myself, why do I have to be like this? What did I do to deserve a lonely life? But then you arrived and everything I’ve worked so hard on, all the walls I made and the mask I created vanished. And you accepted me as I was. I could be me when I was around you. And at first I thought you were so special because you messed up everything for the better, but then I realized that it was not just that. It was more than just mere gratefulness or whatever I might have thought. What I was feeling was love. I discovered I felt in love with you. But I didn’t notice because, how would I have known that that was love when I hadn’t had anything like that in my life before? And I’m sorry if I messed up our friendship, but I needed to tell you because I wasn’t being honest with one of the most important people in my life, not that I have many, but still. And now you can say something so I can shut up or else I’ll start laughing and crying all at the same time.”

Bokuto shut up.

Akaashi stared at Bokuto.

And Akaashi burst of laughing.

And Bokuto didn’t know what to feel, except from and evident shame growing in his cheeks and tears welcoming his eyes.

“Akaashi…”

“Bokuto-san, wait. Don’t say anything, okay?” Akaashi sounded so serious even when he was laughing. And as soon as he calmed down, he began his own monologue, with a permanent smile in his face, which made the situation weirder than it was already, making Bokuto think that he would, for sure, make fun of him.

“You’re the most random person I’ve met. And even with all your mood swings, I don’t know what you have, but it’s like I’m tied to you. I can’t be apart from you. You came all the way here just to say you loved me, and yet, you gave me an entire speech before telling me your point. And even if I wanted, I couldn’t love you more than I do right now.”

Bokuto couldn’t believe what he just heard. Where his ears lying to him? Could ears even lie? What nonsense was he thinking when the person he loved just admitted he loved him back? Was this even real?

“Bokuto-san, I’m sorry if I’m disturbing your dreamy moment, but I was actually hoping some feedback from you. Maybe a kiss, even.”

And Bokuto threw himself into Akaashi’s arms. He was shaking and his mind couldn’t process his actions, but Akaashi was holding him and he felt warm. _The human body is so warm_. And so they kissed, and it was the messiest kiss ever, yet Bokuto didn’t care. Akaashi’s lips were soft and he could even feel his setter’s smile in his own lips. And he distinguished the salt from his own weeping, but Akaashi didn’t leave his lips.

He tasted so sweet.

_He tasted like hope._

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I’ve writen a fanfic (well, it’s actually a one-shot, but anyway) and I don’t even know if anyone’s going to read it, but still, if you do, I really hope you like it.
> 
> PS: thanks to the beautiful shirokuroneki (tumblr user and trash partner) for correcting my mistakes, ily.
> 
> PS 2: having my phone on shuffle I discovered that Broken Arrows by Avicii basically summed up this one-shot and I now can’t stop listening to it.


End file.
